Finding Your Birth Parents

It wasn't so long ago that finding your birth parents (if you never knew them) was an impossibility. Some states have their records so tightly sealed that someone searching can't get their own birth certificate unless they have a copy of their birth certificate to prove who they are. Sounds a little silly, doesn't it? But in this time of identity theft so many people use birth certificates to steal identities that those who seek to legitimately obtain one for a legitimate reason have to pay the price of their dishonesty.

Now there are birth mother registries, birth parent registries and registries for adoptees who are searching. Some searchers can contact the agency through which the adoption was handled. There is usually a small fee for the information they gather. Private adoptions are more difficult. You deal with lawyers. Also, adoption laws are different from state to state. Some states have intermediaries who are approved by the state court. The adoption files are released only to this person on behalf of the adoptee or birthparent. This person has to get the person being searched for to agree to the release of the information to the searcher. They may not agree but there is still a fee and you (who are paying) are not the person in control of the contact or the outcome. There are many agencies that dedicate their resources to doing these types of search. I would suggest that if you have the resources you hire a private detective to find your parent. They have the resources and personnel to search all available listings as well as to canvass and talk to people who might know.

Things you can do on your own to birth parent search include: 1. Ask your adoptive parents for any information they might have that would help you in your search. 2. Put a personal ad in the local paper where your birth took place asking for anyone with information regarding your birth to contact you through the newspaper. (this way you will not give out personal contact information before you have a valid contact). 3. Do computer searches for the names of both parents if you know them and then try to find relatives. 4. If you know the hospital and date you were born, you can ask them for a listing of all children of your sex born on that date and then check on those with matching skin, hair and eye color. After narrowing down the field, you can search the parent's names. 5. You can petition the state court of the state in which you were adopted to unseal your adoption papers and give you the information. If you have a valid health reason for wanting this (such an immediate need for medical information) you may get your request granted on a compassionate basis. You can also ask the state to give you the non-identifying information in your file. Sometimes this information includes things such as race, ethnicity, religion, reason for adoption, age, health concerns which can help in your search.

Sometimes the birth parent is searching as diligently as the adoptee. Many of today's adult "birth mothers" were forced by circumstances and/or parental interference to put their child up for adoption. They need closure as much as the adoptee does.

There is also the other side of the coin; the parent who wishes to pretend that the birth never happened. This person has moved on with her life and pretty much blocked out any memory of the adoptee. The circumstances of these cases are usually hard to discern. The people involved do not want to be found. Their reasons are their own. Many have even managed to keep the birth and adoption secret from their families and friends all of these years. If your case is one of these, be prepared for a reception that will not be the one you desire. I could tell you about this type of reception. It is the one I encountered.

There is natural curiosity in being adopted. You love the parents who raised you and you consider them your real parents but the curiosity about your birth parents leaves a hole in your heart that you cannot close any other way than by finding them. You should not view this as a disservice to the parents who raised you but as a compliment to them. You want to show the ones who gave you up how well you turned out and how much they owe the parents who adopted you.

Whether or not there will ever be a real relationship between you (the adoptee) and your birth parent depends on the degree of guilt felt by the one who gave you up and what you really want from him/her now that he/she has been found. Do not expect more than is offered and you will not be disappointed. Despite television programs that show wonderful reunions, most birth parents fear that a child who was "given up" will destroy family life as they know it. Remember that they may not have told their partners or their children. The circumstances of your conception may not have been pleasant and you may find that you are an untimely reminder of rape, incest, biracial love, a teenage tryst or some other surprise. You need to consider what you may discover prior to starting your search. Remember that this is real life; not a fairytale. Real people can be hurt.

Good hunting!